If you know me, you know that there a quite a few things that piss me off. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m a bitch or that I will stab you if you step on my toe. It just means that I cannot stand to be fake about anything or to anyone. But, if you REALLY know me, then you know that one thing I hate the most is the awful, always dreadful, small talk.
We are all familiar with this sub-par form of communication, and how terrible it is. Ever since I graduated from high school, my hatred for small talk has grown by the pound.
When you are a kid small talk doesn’t exist. You are the most carefree tadpole in the world and actually do not give two fucks about what you say. You could go up to a random kid at recess and start talking about how you plan to grind on the hot principle at the next school function and no one would judge you or give a shit.
Once we get into middle school, things change up quite a bit. You get into the phase where you start caring about what people think and you turn into a little shithead. This is where I was first introduced to small talk. (RIP because my life was never the same after this point). Whether it was running into people in the hall or seeing them at lunch, you felt this need to have some sort of conversation, even when it was about nothing important.
High school was when shit really started to hit the fan. Even though there were really only a handful of people that you cared to speak to, you somehow felt this force to actually say hi and somehow spark up a conversation. But, the worst part about high school, was the ever so painful in-class small talk. There was always that one asshole who cared a little bit too much about other people’s lives and was nosey 24/7.
Them: “Hey what did you do this weekend?” (in their chihuahua like voice)
You: “Oh I went to Morgan’s party Friday night, that’s about it.” (monotone as fuck)
Them: “Was it fun?!” (even more intrigued than the first time)
You: “Yep.” (opening your textbook acting like you are about to read an entire lesson on algebra 2)
Them: “Did you get drunk??!???!!” (about to pop a blood vessel because they are so excited)
*This is the point where you are about to punch them in the face. You don’t want to talk, you are bored as hell with the conversation, and know that it is just taking away years to your life because of the stress levels it is creating*
You: “Yep.” (low-key thinking of ways you could go to the emergency room before they open their mouth again)
Them: “Cool!!” (they are now looking into your soul, thinking of another way that they could spark up a conversation. see below photo for the face this person will most likely have on their dumbass face).
Thankfully at this point, you have been saved by your actual friend in your class and the nightmare has ended.
Unfortunately, my experience has been that since I started college, the small talk has only gotten worse. But fortunately for me, I have only gotten more blunt. I would rather take a lap around the entire campus if I see you walking towards me than stop and have a conversation with you about your classes and ask how you are 1000 times. I simply do not care 99.9% of the time.
I will pretty much do any and all things to avoid small talk and if that means I have to pretend that I was recently inducted into an all Chinese squad where we wear those little mouth masks and I can no longer speak English, then so be it.
As we grow older, we feel this need to be able to converse with every person that we meet. This is absolutely ridiculous because most of the people we meet from middle school until we are 70 and once again enter the realm of not-giving-a-shitness, will have no relevance to our lives at all.
Do you have to be a dick to everyone you see and not say hi? Not at all. But just know that if you see me in public and I’m pulling one of these numbers for a quick escape,
it is nothing personal. I would just rather break my own back then have to talk to you about your summer plans to travel Italy with your mom and stepdad, because I genuinely do not give a shit.
Small talk is a drag, so talk to the people you care about, about things you care about. That way everyone is happy and no one is wanting to gouge their eyes out while you both engage in a conversation that could have ended before it began.