Saturday, April 4, 2020: I am awakened by the sound of rainfall, my bitch-ass cat nestled at my feet. I grab my phone. I tell google to play The Daily on Spotify. She asks, "are you sure?" I tell her, "no." Michael Barbaro's voice echoes throughout my apartment. I get a little horny, as this is the only mans voice I've heard for weeks. I get up to pee. I come back to bed, ridden with anxiety of what Michael has just told me, and proceed to go on my new favorite app, TikTok. My worries of the world drift away as I watch 1,000 videos of youngsters filming themselves kissing their best friend that they've always had a crush on for the first time. I cringe. I put my phone down. I hear birds chirping outside my window. I stare at them. They stare back at me. I whisper "save me". They whisper back "do the push-up challenge." I tell them to fuck off. And then I'm reminded, I'm in quarantine.
Over the course of the past few weeks, everything, and I mean everything, has revolved around coronavirus (some of you may know her by her stage name "Covid-19"). There is nothing you can talk about that doesn't go back to this attention seeker. (jk). ANYWAYS, quarantine really has me searching through every cabinet in my house for anything else to think about. And while I didn't find it in my cabinet, I had a lil thot that came to me. Most shit has changed, but one question still remains and weighs heavy on my mind: are men okay?
This is not an ode to shitting on men, rather, it is a question to be put on a pedestal and examined because at no point in my life have I ever heard this question posed more. Ever since quarantine came into our lives I have received texts daily from friends asking: ARE MEN OKAY?! with a story or explanation that follows. The question is important because it gives me something else to think about besides coronavirus. I am at peace knowing that sugar-baby Covid-19 is storming into a lonely-unable-to-come-to-terms-with-emotions-in-real-life boy's room, in a slutty little police uniform, throwing them on the bed with their hands tied behind their backs, and gagging them until they fall so deep into their feelings that they're finally ready to emerge and do some out of pocket shit.
And every time one of those little red notifications pop up in my messages, with a text from a homie asking this simple yet rich-with-content question, I respond "and on today's episode...". And then we dive in.
Episode 1 of: ARE MEN OKAY?
We all know that one fuckboy from college who would go from licking your butthole one week to ignoring the absolute fuck out of you the next week, right? Well honey's, he is back, and he is ready to once again give you that fantastic rim job you missed ever so much! This has maybe been one of my favorite episodes because it has as many sequels as the Fast&Furious franchise. This mans is most likely sliding into your dm's with the foolproof (in his brain) message, depicting his care level, sprinkled with a hint of I hope I can get some nudes out of this. The final product: "How u holdin up?" (If you're reaaaaaaally lucky he might even text you). One of my friends, we will call her 'Jess', was hit up by a fuckboy she used to date (loosely) via Facebook messenger (retro), with this exact message. After she replied (why), and they went back and for a bit (now wondering if she's ok???), and they realized they were both still in the same area (close the yearbook), he hit her with the ever so asinine "well if u ever need someone to keep you company, u know u can come over babe. stay safe out there, here for ya if u need me." Jess, slightly wine drunk, reads the message and for a moment considers his offer based off the fact that she is longing for any sort of physical touch. But, then she has a flashback to the time this particular fuckboy came within 45 seconds of fucking, kissed her on the forehead and said "that was dope." Jess closes the message, draws a bath, and grabs her waterproof vibrator like a good little girl.
Episode 2 of: ARE MEN OKAY?
Okay okay okay, a precursor to episode 2 is that it hurts my fucking head. We'll make this one short. I have a friend who has been married and divorced. And on this episode of ARE MEN OKAY, her ex HUSBAND had the AUDACITY to text her and ask her on a date. When she respectfully declined, he proceeded to text her that he recently found their divorce papers and that he missed her. Followed by him sending her photos of them with a dog they once owned together..........
ok ? ??? ???????
Like, I'm sorry. I understand you're locked up, bored, reminiscing on what could have been, but like............................ARE YOU FUCKING ALRIGHT? This is unnecessary for my friends wellbeing, it's out of pocket, and honestly its predictable. Man regrets divorcing an amazing woman as soon as he sees her moving on??!? Seen it. Boring. We know this one. Surprise a bitch. Next!
Episode 3 of: ARE MEN OKAY?
This episode is quite simple. The ever so classic tale of boy meets girl :), girl likes boy :), boy likes girl :), but boy cannot wrap his head around the concept of sharing his feelings :(. This situation is painfully common amongst us idiots who fuck with these idiots in the real world, but the fun twist is the forced separation that Covid's promiscuous ass has brought between boy and girl. So, this is now a whole new ballgame. Boy and girl are even more distant. And with distance comes either one of two things: 1. Out of sight out of mind or 2. Thinking. Lots of thinking. And overthinking. (which I have seen to be much more common given these trying times). Given these circumstances, boy is forced to sit with his feelings. The feelings tease him. The feelings give him a lap dance. The feelings undress. The feelings get on their knees. The feelings give him a 10/10 blowjob. The feelings can see he's about to finish. The feelings back off as the moment of cumming approaches, leaving him with the bluest of balls, like throbbing pain. Compelling boy to really take a step back and look at these feelings for what they are. PERIODT. Fast forward a few weeks of quaratine, boy realizes he still has no idea what feelings are, but reaches out to girl because boy miss attention :( and boy miss vagina:(. Girl, although in deep thought, was more on the "out of sight out of mind" track, allowing herself to fully register that maaaaaaaybe she needs to move the fuck on or be stuck with this feelingless baby for years to come. Sadly, this episode doesn't really have an ending, just sorrow and confusion until one of them actually gets coronavirus.
Episode 4 of: ARE MEN OKAY?
This last episode hits a little different, as it is a more personal account that again hurts my head, but also makes my blood boil just a tiny bit: Receiving random anecdotes and photos from exes. A new oversharing experience that has twisted my titties and I do not think I'm here for it. It is unclear whether or not these homeboys genuinely believe the females they're sending a photo to from 3 years ago with a message underneath that reads "me and my buddy on a vacay, fun times", are indeed wanting these photos, or if these homeboys have absolutely zero clue and literally nothing better to do. I'm sorry, I know there isn't much else going on bro, but download Tiktok and learn the fucking "savage" dance. Learn it, memorize it, perfect it, and then send me the final product. I'll still be like wtf, you're irrelevant, but I promise you you'll get more of a reaction than texting me and trying to intrigue me with a conversation about how your parent's vegetable garden is blooming. I fucking promise.
The episodes continue on and on. Every story making me laugh more than the first, and every story making us all seriously ask if men are alright during these troublesome times. I do, however, find it interesting that most, if not all, the tales I've been told are from men who fucked up their relationships with these woman in the first place? But that's a whole different topic we will save for a different rainy day hehe<3. I also want to note that this does NOT only apply men, I just like to pick on them like a 2nd grader because I secretly love them (don't tell). I know some fuck girls out here pulling the same bullshit. Most of us are so overwhelmed with boredom these days and just want to spice shit up, and trust me, I get it, it really do be like that.
At the end of the day, I know this goes without saying, but we are in some WEIRD and scary times right now. I make light and laugh in these situations because at the end of the day that is how my anxiety manages a fucking global pandemic. I just need the two people reading this to know that I'm not an insensitive bitch. I'm coping. We all are.