Erection Day

I had a dream the other night that Barack Obama and I TP-ed someone's house. We were the best of friends, conversing about everything from the economy to this one time he tried to stick it in Michelle's back door. Point is, we were true homies.

The next morning when I woke up, I realized I had this dream because I had just watched Before the Flood.  This is a new National Geographic documentary in which Leonardo DiCaprio interviews several world leaders (Obama being one of them) , scientists, and activists about the growing dangers of climate change and what we can do to help at this point.

This documentary did a few things for me. 1. It made me realize how dumb people are for thinking that climate change is a hoax, and 2. It made me realize that we are in some deep, deep shit if Donald Trump is elected our next president. The man actually tweeted "The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive." ??!??!?!?!?

Growing up, I was never really into politics. Every time the topic came up I would immediately try to change it based on the sole fact that I knew next to nothing about the subject. All I knew was that everyone hated Bush, and then everyone hated Obama. I understood at a very young age that all politicians are liars and hypocrites.

But, with the current election, I have become far more interested. To be honest, when I first heard that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were both running for president I thought it had to be a joke. We all knew that these two were the type that no one in their right mind could really take seriously. However, as time went on, we all realized that this was unfortunately not an episode of Punk'd.

Once I had realized that this was real life and that they were elected as the Republican and Democratic nominees, I knew that I had to start taking this election a little more seriously. The seriousness of it all really kicked in when I saw a Tomi Lahren video and almost projectile vomited onto my computer. Typically, I am the type of person that wants to understand and accept both sides of the story. But in this case, I simply don't think that I can.

I have tried over and over again to see what other people see in Donald Trump, give him the benefit of the doubt if you will. But I cannot find a single reason why he would make a good president. He has not just offended large groups of people, but also offended people on a personal level. I am sincerely disgusted every time he opens his mouth and even more disgusted when people attempt to defend him. "Oh it's just locker room talk." Even if that was the case, how can we be okay that someone who is running for the God Damn presidency is able to so casually speak about in this way and treat them with such disrespect.

"But Rachel, Bill Clinton cheated on Hillary, that's just as bad!!"
"Wow, you're so right!!" Except for the minute fucking detail that Bill isn't running for president, Hillary is. Good try though.
My favorite part of this argument is that so many people claiming this defense are people who have cheated on their significant other, or people who have been cheated on and forgave their significant other after the fact. Oh the irony...

All of that aside, Hillary is not an angel by any stretch of the imagination. She is a liar, manipulator, and savage who will do whatever she has to do. Donald said it himself, Hillary is a fighter and does not give up. I would much rather have someone who has dedicated their entire life to politics and seen the presidency up close and personal than a large Cheeto Puff who I'm not sure knows the difference between your and you're.

I think about this election and all of the terrible things that both candidates have done. They both have lied and done things that no one can justify. We are all so horrified by it all that we forget to take a step back and think about something that I find to be significant: who will really make this country a better place? Someone who may have a strong business/economic background and who claims they can take down ISIS without any knowledge on something like foreign policy? Or someone who has allotted so much time and energy into politics and policy making, and is devoted to bettering the lives of not just women and children, but every single American, regardless of race, gender, or background?
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My conclusion, and the metaphor that I have come to love greatly is this: Donald Trump is a dick. Not in the "ugh he's being such a dick" kind of way. He is actually a penis. A big, STD infested, penis. It might be good for one second, but then it will just fuck us until we are so sick from all of it's shit and by that point we will have no way out. The STD will have become a part of us and no antibiotic will save us now. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, is a freshly opened condom. In the moment, it might seem a lot less pleasureful with that condom on, but in the end we will realize how it saved and protected us from endless amounts of danger, chaos, and a lot of discomfort and itchiness.

At this point in time with the election only a couple days away, I am genuinely scared for the American people. I literally over heard someone talking to their friend the other day saying "Hilary is going to be even worse when she's on her period. At least with a man we don't  have to deal with that".

In that moment, my heart sank into my stomach because DUDE, that bitch is 69 years old. If she still has her period then I will personally conduct an investigation to found out whether or not Hillary is a human or a robot (but I'm sure there is already a conspiracy about that). All jokes aside, that is such a disgustingly sexist comment that for a second I considered walking right up to that girl and sucker punching her in the face while yelling I'm With Her. But who am I kidding, I'm deff not that bold. It is because of ignorant people like this who make me so terrified for the much anticipated announcement on November 28th...I mean 8th? Right Donald?

So this erection, do yourself a favor and put the condom on.

P.S. I really hate arguing about politics. Like a lot. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I would never discourage anyone to believe what they want. If it were really up to me, Barack and Michelle would just trade off being president every 4 years until the day that I die. That is all.