As many people know by seeing my obnoxious amount of Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter posts/pictures, I attended the University of Hawaii and have lived here for the past four years. I am incredibly lucky to be able to call this place a home.
But, even after being here for such a long amount of time there are still things that I will never understand. Hawaiian people are not like anyone you have ever met before, and certain things that happen in Hawaii no one will ever be able to comprehend.
1. Road work in the middle of the day.
This is by far one of the most frustrating things about the island. WHY are you doing road work in the middle of the day, during rush hour, in one of the most compacted places in the United States?! I feel like I'm not even allowed to be shocked about this anymore, I just have to go with the flow (and by flow I mean sit in bumper to bumper traffic because you are going to get no where).
2. Driving slow as fuck.
This is also one of the most frustrating things about living in Hawaii. I went from driving 70/75 mph on the freeway in California to there being a "minimum" speed limit on the freeway in Hawaii. The speed people drive here is the reason I am going to have grey hair by the time I am 30 and the reason I have developed enough road rage to last me an entire lifetime.
3. Souped-up mopeds.
It wasn't until I got to Hawaii that I even learned what a moped was. It is basically just a pussier version of a motorcycle, which is still kinda cool for just cruising around. But, in Hawaii, some people will not accept this fact. You know you're in Hawaii when the mopeds are extremely fucking loud and way too fast for how they look. You also know because the person riding it is usually popping unnecessary wheelies just for shits.
4. Backing into every parking spot.
I actually give a lot of props to Hawaiians for this. They take the way they enter a parking space very seriously. This takes lots of patience, and also forces other people to have that same patience because you will end up waiting for them to achieve the perfect back up. Even if you could just swing in to the spot like a mainlander late for their first big meeting at AA, they will always take the extra step.
5. Cracked out Pigeons.
These disgusting animals have a very very special place in Hawaii. They walk around like they own the place, and they also walk around like they are going to sell you some meth, and also give you a good price for some marijuana if you're lucky. I do not know what it is about the pigeons on the island, but they have minds of their own. They cruise around in restaurants, get 2 inches from your face at the beach, and I'm pretty sure they are secretly led by Charlie Sheen. But for real, if you ever need good drugs in Hawaii, Rico got the plug.
For those who do not know, Pidgin is not just a different spelling of the crack bird. Pidgin is a language that is basically broken English. When I got here, I had no idea what the fuck half of the people were saying. Words/phrases include: Brah, Mo' Bettah, Dakine, Okele, Choke, Junk, Howzit, Haole, Like Scrap, Wat doing, We go beach, etc. Most of the time, my extremely white mainland friends and I will try to join in on this to seem a little more local. But in da end we fo' real sound dumb and da local know we haole braddah's.
For some reason, spam is a huge thing in Hawaii. It is basically a really salty piece of processed meat that is put in cans and actually super successful. I refuse to believe that spam is a thing anywhere but Hawaii. Even Mcdonald's here has spam, FUCKING MCDONALDS!! Do you want a late night Big Mac? Cuz you're not going to get it. You're going to get a big slab of spam between two buns and maybe if you are lucky a spam mcflurry.
8. Rice with EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL.
Another fun food fact about Hawaii: if you move here, rice will become more of your diet than water. When I was a freshmen and first went to the cafeteria I did not understand why there was rice served at every hour of the day. I thought maybe it was for people with stomach aches that needed something bland. But I was wrong. As the time went on and I went to more and more restaurants here I realized that rice really is a thing with every meal. Pancakes and rice, dear.
9. Never wearing shoes.
This is really self explanatory. People in Hawaii do not have a need for shoes. Never have, never will.
10. 12 year old girls wearing Acacia swim suits.
This is mostly just applicable to the females of Hawaii, but when I got here I actually did not understand. First of all, who is paying for this? You are 12, guaranteed have no job, and are wearing a swimsuit that costs more than my life savings. Second of all, you are 12 wearing a bathing suit that is showing your entire ass. If I was wearing thong bathing suits at that age my mom would have probably locked me away in a dungeon under the house. But seriously, up until I came to Hawaii my swimsuits came from Target and Old Navy.
11. 10 cops, 1 problem.
This has to be one of the funniest things about Hawaii in my opinion. The crime rate here is pretty low, and of course we are on a fucking island. I've thrown a house party that is pretty low key with maybe just some excessive loud music, and 12 cops will show up. You would have honestly thought I was being busted with running a brothel out of my house. Even getting pulled over on a moped for packing, there has to be at least 3 cop cars, 6-7 police officers, and you might even get tased if they are really feeling themselves.
12. Weird obsession with Heineken.
Heineken: world renowned beer, brewed in the Netherlands, and loved most by Uncle Ka'o out on the west side of Oahu. For some reason that most mainlanders will never understand, Hawaiians really love that little green bottle. After a good day of work, you can bet your ass they are sippin' on an ice cold Heineken and talking story til they get too drunk and pass out on the beach.
13. Blasting ratchet music at Sandy's in the middle of the day.
If you know, you know. Every single time I go to Sandy's Beach Park there is a Juicy J/E-40/Fetty Wap concert going on. And every single time I think to myself, why? Why can we not listen to some calming beach music. I am not at a club, I am at the fucking beach. The music coming out of your truck is making me want to gauge my eyes out but also get low at the same time. It's mostly just confusing and makes me question if I am the one doing the whole "beach day" thing all wrong.
With all of that being said, Hawaii has such a special place in my heart. Yes, I will probably never understand more than half the things that happen here, but that's what makes it all the more fun.
Hawaii! Come for the land, stay for the people, brah.